Advice for Young Men Part 2: Mindset is Everything

Click here if you missed part one in this series: Advice For Young Men: The Search For The Elusive Based Woman otherwise enjoy!

I was having more trouble starting this post than a one legged kangaroo on a trampoline when my pregnant wife called a desperate SOS from our room. She started experiencing some serious Braxton Hicks the second my eleven month old son woke up demanding attention for his teething self. What followed was a mad house of activity that lasted all the way till I was called into work early eating up all my writing time in one fell swoop. In the midst of that I had my revelation sent if not directly from God then telephoned from one saint to another till an angel whispered into my son’s ear to start the pandemonium. 

Mindset is everything. If you improve without the right motives your attempts will be as hollow as a Clinton promising to tell nothing but the truth in court. Nobody wants to be suicided in this analogy so let’s escape the trap so many young men have stumbled into.

Why do you want to have a wife? Why do you want a family? Is it so you don’t die alone? Is it to find a partner in life? Is it as base as wanting to have sex the way God intended and thus not in sin?

Now I want to make something clear here. There is nothing wrong with any of these desires, and you wouldn’t be a healthy male if you didn’t want to fulfill them. However, you need to understand a relationship isn’t about you. 

See that’s what my wife reminded me of that morning. Fundamentally a true relationship and family is about selflessness. Get that through your thick hormone filled male brain this isn’t about you. Marrying, and starting a family is not about you, it's about them. You’re not improving yourself for your own benefit, but for your wife, for your children, their children, and ultimately for God. 

You might be tempted to think this is pointless. As long as you improve who cares why you improve? A cannon still fires no matter why it was built. Sure, but that cannon will waste away in rust and disuse if all it does is sit on a wall, and look pretty. 

Bare with me here as we delve into a little nuance. Let’s say you throw yourself at improving your health, and sculpting your physical body into perfection. You read the classics educating yourself thoroughly. Maybe even delve into the bible, but if you aren’t doing these things out of a desire to give your wife the best life possible, your children the best father imaginable, and be a true head of your household to bring your family squarely on the side of the Lord your efforts will be in vain.

On a practical note you might be an amazing specimen of the male persuasion, but if you constantly base your decisions off of what you want you’ll make selfish decisions that negatively harm your wife and family. Take a classic example that has been pushed on us by the satanic grabblers over at Hollywood for decades now. 

Imagine a family in the suburbs near family, friends, and general community. The wife has a tight group of mothers she often spends her days with, the children have friends, and relatives are within easy driving distance; the only problem is the lack of work in the medium sized town they all live in. One day the father is approached by his boss who tells this hard working delta that they have an open position on the dream engineering team working off the coast of California. The spot is all his if he moves a thousand miles to San Francisco. 

Hollywood would tell us that this is a normal occurrence, and of course the father should uproot his entire family from their community, friends, family, and connections for the pay raise and continuation of his career. Though it will be difficult the family will be better off in the long run, and who actually stays close with friends from high school or even elementary school anyways? Besides now the man can provide a bigger house and nicer things for his family. Isn’t he an incredible provider?

If it wasn’t obvious that anything Hollywood is pushing on you is a thinly veiled poison wrapped in sweet savory bacon that will burn out your insides little by little till you die of stomach cancer and catastrophic dysentery then it should be clear now. This will almost assuredly crush this man’s family. Stamp it out of existence.

I’m not saying you should never move, on the contrary there are legitimate reasons to escape urban areas as of late, it’s the reason why and if it builds or destroys the community that matters. See the lie here is that money, wealth, and personal ambition improves your family’s lives. I know, it’s been slammed into all of us like a continuous freight train since before we could talk. The idea that we should follow the jobs where they are. Our money will make us and our families happy, but it is utterly false.

This lie feeds that selfish side. That little voice in your head that convinces you that your selfish act is for your children’s sake, and not for your pride and ambition. A true man would turn down that offer. The job might be more humble with less pay, but you can never put a price tag on community, friendship, and family all of which would be given up for something as fleeting as money if that job was taken. Worse, you made that decision for your whole family. Sure, maybe your wife agreed, but don’t think for a second your kids will have a say in the matter otherwise you would never move away from their friends and life. 

With family all decisions are amplified and all their consequences fall on the entire family. As the man of the house you will need to accept that responsibility taking it head on. This is a selfless act. You don’t do this for your happiness, or your career, or your comfort, but so your family and even more specifically your children grow into daughters and sons of Christ with the best chance possible in life. 

Maybe you don’t see the problem. In which case you had best read some more, and work on your empathy. A family may not instantly implode at such a move, but the seeds have been planted. Think for a second the example you give your children that money is the most important thing to pursue even for their families. Will they stay in one place? Will they build community with you and give their children steady friends that they can raise families with? Or will they move to every fleeting treat the devil’s minions can toss at them?

Now, you may argue that if your children are young enough this isn’t much of an issue, and you would be right in another circumstance. What was done in the example I would go so far as to call a selfish sin against the family. They had community, history, and family where they were. You rip all that away they will be three steps behind job opportunities, finding wives and husbands with good families, community while raising young children, support in difficult times, and the list could extend for books and miles like a never ending scroll wrapped around the horizon. To make it simple you make them foreigners in a far off land that they don’t understand where if young enough they may just have enough time to build a new life, but they will forever tell everyone they’re from the land you tore them from with no say or consent.

In my opinion the only legitimate reasons to move a family are if you are already a foreigner where you are, and are moving back to your homeland or state, avoiding natural or not so natural disasters which include demographic replacement like is happening in cities, and if the community has betrayed you unfairly. That last one is important. 

Communities are not perfect and neither are individuals. If you are the one in the wrong than you should by all means attempt to re-ingratiate yourself and the family in the community, but on the other hand if a town has sold out to the world then you will be nothing but outcasts or lose a core part of your faith. In that situation your children may even ask to move. Just remember, pick where you move wisely, I would even encourage finding a frontier where the community is forming, and you can claim to be one of the original settlers or one of the establishing families. Yes you can still find these places in small towns and wildernesses, but such a place will have unique challenges all their own so don’t forget that move where it makes the most sense and where you can build community.

Last of all I want to remind you that this doesn’t include local moves. Yes you may want to consider not moving from a neighborhood where your children have friends and community, but for the most part moving from one house or property to another in the same town or area shouldn’t be too problematic. My last point on that is to take care, history with family is important on a monstrous scale that would put Godzilla to shame. People want to know where they came from, and the longer the history and connection the more effort your children will give to protecting and maintaining the family after you're dead and gone. 

Houses, property, and family property have extreme emotional value. That tree you all planted together, the little house you first moved onto at your estate, the woods you hunt in, life and its memories are connected to objects in the world including your childhood home. That doesn’t mean you have to stay in a dump. Your children are more likely to connect with the home where they felt that connection of family and community the most, that is the house you need to save for future generations. Whatever you do, make that home the best home, and even if you build or move into a new one don’t sell that one. Maintain it as a memory. A marker to the family's past so that even the grandchildren will have a tangible connection to the family.

That one example deserves a whole post, a caveat into the destructive nature of college culture dragging teenagers from their homes before they have a chance to even think of building their lives, and so on but I’ll attempt to stay on point. Having a selfless mindset is paramount to avoid traps like the example especially once your married and your choices affect your entire family. You don’t live for yourself.

When you workout you may want to be healthy, and even look good, but most of all concentrate on being alive for your children and grandchildren. You can’t control everything, but you can tip the scales in your favor to be there for your family. When you do your devotions pray for your future spouse, and children. Remember your spiritual connection to God will be the example for your children to follow. If you aren’t right with God how will they be? If you don’t educate yourself how will you ever bring your children out of the ignorance that grips young minds in vice like grips exasperated by grabblers in Hollywood and Washington?

I could go on, but I think you understand. Before you improve get your motivations in check. Tell yourself why you do this. Not for yourself, but for the family you want. This has the added benefit of reminding you of your responsibility as a father, and husband when the time comes not to mention motivating you to improve. Do it right, and when you do start your family and life shatters into its new form you will be that much more likely to maintain those hard won victories in your self improvement journey. 

After all, the goal is not the creation of the family, but the family becoming what God always intended it to be. A stalwork defense against the god of this world, an ever continuous encouragement in times of trouble, a safety net when the world attacks, and a compass to point to Christ, his love, and our creator. So take up the burden husband and father to be. You have a massive amount of work to do, and for all the right reasons. Get to it, and remember the ride never ends, and we never stop improving.

Come back for future posts where we will explore self improvement.